It is not easy to admit that you are lazy to yourself. Then, it is even harder to accept yourself if you admit this. Why am I lazy? Because I don’t like to work. I don’t mind doing simple chores like washing dishes, laundry, cutting veggies. But this is not hard work. When it comes to something that involves deadlines, quotas or maintenance however, I don’t like the stress it brings. In fact, when I did work I would become unconscious at the workplace or have seizures. According to my doctors and from my life experience, my seizures are triggered by stress. So, I guess I find working stressful. I have been lucky in that I can depend on my family to support me so that I don’t need to work. But now I am 36 years old and will be becoming a trust fund baby soon. However at the end of 2014 I took a long hard look at myself.
At first, I told myself I didn’t work because I didn’t need to and would if I did need to. But after some time, I came to the realization that even if I needed to work I would rather be homeless and rather skip my epilepsy medication(since I couldn’t pay for it) than hold down a job. Many people dislike desk jobs these days. But I would even prefer to avoid the deadlines and quotas that come with a work-at-home freelance job as well. I think. Of course it is easy to claim you would prefer homelessness and sickness rather than work when you don’t have to really worry about such things. I truly don’t know what I would do given the choice. But what is the point of worrying over hypothetical situations? That is just negative thinking.
My main current issue is seeing if I can accept myself since I have discovered this. I am finding this difficult. However, self-hate serves no positive purpose and since I am not willing to change my lack of will to work, I must learn to accept myself. That has become one of my resolutions for this New Year. Once I am able to do that, I think it will be easier to also accept that I don’t care what others think of my laziness. Just wanted to get this out there.